Though some days and weeks feel like they might last forever, our adoption journey is still moving quickly.  The 50 day wait for our LOA (Letter of Seeking Confirmation from Adopter) was tough, and I spent most of January thinking it would never come, and was pretty cranky about it.  But now that is has, we are back to the hurry up and wait of more paperwork.  Our agency sent our I-800 (immigration forms for the United States government for Gavin specifically) last week and we are now waiting for that to be approved.  We will also be applying for our Visas soon.  With things going as they are there is a very real possibility we could travel the end of March.  Chinese New Year is next week, but since we are waiting for US approval it shouldn’t slow anything down.

We are anxiously awaiting an updated – our last update – any day.  I am longing to see a face with more color, more chub, and more life than his last update.  I’m hoping to see a video of his development (we asked for one) since we’ve never seen a video of him.  I’m hoping to hear his weight has increased and he will fit perfectly into the clothes I have bought and others have so generously donated to us.  I hope to hear that he is continuing to improve in his gross motor skills.  I’m hoping to hear he received the care package we sent to him, complete with a photo album of his new family.  I’m hoping to hear his nanny’s have told him he has a family coming to take him home forever, and they are preparing his heart for the difficult transition he will have.

His nursery awaits – crib, rocker, clothes, diapers, formula, bottles, toys, books.  We’re preparing for the expected, the unexpected and everything in between.  I assume it will be the unexpected unexpected that will be our reality.  The orphanage behavior we didn’t know about, or a cultural shock to our system that we didn’t anticipate.  And so I’m mentally preparing for survival mode for our time in China, and the first few weeks (months?) after coming home, just like we would with a newborn.  We have read almost every trauma & attachment book we can get our hands on, and watched many DVDs.  We are tying up our loose ends with our commitments so we can focus on him.  We are trying to learn some mandarin (ok, not really, but it’s on my to do list) to communicate with him.  When opening the first page of my new book The Crunch-Time Guide to Parenting Language for Chinese Adoption, it hit me like a ton of bricks that these were the words he was going to need to hear our first moments together.

But perhaps, beyond my wildest dreams, God will bless us with an easy transition, a happy, content baby that understand we are mom and dad, travel mercies, sleep, sleep, and more sleep, siblings at home that embrace their new sibling warmly and lovingly.  I don’t doubt that He can.  But I know that it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t have to be easy.  He doesn’t call us to a life of comfort, but a life of radical obedience to Him.  We still say yes.  Always, yes.

“A Father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing, but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” Psalms 68:5-6

Parenting a child that’s been adopted is complicated.  To put the simply.  As you begin to enter the adoption community, unfamiliar words keep repeating: attachment, connection, Trust Based Relational Intervention, cocooning, trauma.  We knew we had our work cut out for us when it came to learning the best way to parent our child.  So when the church offered to send me to a conference on Trauma Competent Caregiving (TCC) to learn to train others, I knew enough to know I didn’t know enough, and said yes.

To say it was eye opening would be an understatement.  It’s hard to boil down 3 full days of information into a few words, but the big things I learned were:  Behavior is the language of a child who has lost his voice.  Children exhibit unwanted behavior (lying, stealing, arguing, defiance, etc) because of the abuse and neglect they have experienced in their short lives.  They learn these behaviors to survive, but also have physical and chemical changes in their brain.  Imagine this scenario: You are driving down the road, and see a police car pull out behind you.  They turn on their lights, and then someone in the car asks you figure out a complicated math problem, to remember where you left something in the house, or to simply have a conversation with you.  Is there anyway you are able to answer those questions in your current state of fear?  These kids live in that constant state of fear chronically.

As amazing as the information was, my big question walking away from the training was this: “Then why in the world does my 5 year old, who has never experienced a day of trauma in his life, behave like a trauma kid?”  I know this sounds like of dramatic, but it is true.  Among my adoptive friends, we ask ourselves a lot “where does trauma stop and personality start?”  It is a complicated question, one that never has an answer.  Thankfully, after more reading and research, I’ve realized it doesn’t really matter.  We can respond to the behavior the same way, no matter whether it’s trauma or personality.  With my son, it’s all personality.

The overall parenting/caregiving philosophy taught by this course is called connection parenting.  In short, you connect before you correct.  While I was familiar with several books such as The Connected Child (highly recommended as a first read for every family caring for an adoptive or foster child), I was thankful to find a few books by Daniel Siegel, which are geared toward non-trauma kids.  No Drama Discipline has helped me bridge the gap to understand why my non-trauma kid has similar behavior.  Spoiled alert: it’s because he’s a kid.

So, what’s the point of all of this?  Two things.  One, if you have a non-trauma kid and constantly feel defeated, frustrated and overwhelmed by your kids behavior, I highly recommend reading the books by Siegel.  They have helped us tremendously.  If you are an adoptive, foster, safe families mom or plan to be one day, please please please immerse yourself in as much connection parenting for trauma kids as possible.  I’d be happy to share lots of resources with you.  I don’t think it was on accident that I ended up at the conference.  I think God wanted me there to share the information with others, which is what I plan to do.  I will start by teaching Trauma Competent Caregiving the second Tuesday of every months at the women’s fellowships at Traders Point (7pm, room 200).  I truly believe this is the best way to care for these kids, and the more people that understand it the better.

I’d love to help education and empower you on your parenting journey.  This stuff is not easy, but I truly believe together

We received an unexpected update on Gavin yesterday!  We knew we would get one after we receive our LOA (our next step), but this was a surprise, and the first we have had since August.

Gavin is doing well developmentally.  He can now pull up to a stand and say a few words.  He is no longer drinking just formula for his meals (which is common up until age 2) but is eating solid food for each meal.  His nanny says he is shy, joyful and intelligent.  He likes to play with toys, play with other kids, and interact with his caregivers.  He responds with appropriate emotions and knows his name.

We also learned that he had a GI bug for over a month and lost quite a bit of weight.  He is recovering now, but weak.  He definitely looks skinny in his new pictures.  Please pray that he regains strength over the next few months until we bring him home!  Mama can’t wait to fatten him back up.

As we began the crazy season of Christmas lists, shopping, wrapping, and last minute gift exchanges, it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas.  And it seems like there are countless organizations asking to give money to those in need.  While most of us truly want to give this Christmas season, it’s difficult to decide the best place for our money to go.  This year, I’d like to share a few of my favorite organizations for you to consider sending a Christmas gift.  It’s also a great way to involve your children!

Gifts of Hope – Show Hope is an amazing organization that cares for orphans around the world.  Not only do the provide adoption grants, but have five care centers in China.  Using the research of TCU and Dr. Karyn Purvis, they are providing exceptional care for special needs orphans.  Show Hope is near and dear to our hearts!

Gifts of Purpose – Lifesong for Orphans not only helps churches manage their adoption funds, but also works in many countries to care for orphans in unique ways.  From providing schooling to orphans who have aged out, to establishing sustainable businesses, Lifesong is doing amazing work all over the world.  You can support a broad range of orphan care initiatives including adoption, foster care, family preservation, and sustainable business.

Back2Back – Back2Back doesn’t have a formal gift program, but they do have child sponsorships available.  After just coming home from a week at their Monterrey, Mexico site, my words can’t express how amazing this organization is.  From the amazing staff members, to the hard work of implementing best practices for caring for children who have experienced trauma, Back2Back is making great strides to revolutionize the way their kids are cared for.  We spent our week with the children at Imperio de Amor  and with the Hope Program, and I’d love to tell you all about any of the kids available for sponsorship.

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing, but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. “
-Psalms 68:5-6

Finances are a huge part of adoption, and the #1 reason why people decide against it.  Let me assure you, no one is getting rich off of adoptions.  That would be unethical, and the adoption process should be as ethical as possible (though this is a loaded sentence – in some countries, the only way it is possible to bring an orphan home is to be unethical to some degree, such as bribing a public official – how messed up is that?).  I want to inform you about where all the money goes and why the financial sacrifice is one we should be willing to make.

The cost of adopting a child from China is approximately $30,000.  Is this a big number?  Yep.  Are we afraid of it?  Not at all.  Being a part of the Live 1:17 Ministry at TPCC has given me a front row seat to see how God provides the money for adoption.  “If God has called you to it, He will pay for it” is a common saying in the adoption community.  Time and time again, as He has called families to adopt, He has provided the money to make it happen.

So, where does all that money go?

1. Approximately 25% goes to the agency, for the work they do to help you bring the child home
2. Approximately 20% goes to the orphanage, to pay for the care of the child before you brought him/her home
3. Approximately 30% goes to travel, as we will be buying tickets about 2 weeks before we leave and will spend 2 weeks in China, and possibly a one way ticket home for the child
4. Approximately 25% goes to prepare the dossier, home study,  and immigration

One thing we love so much about our agency, CCAI, is how transparent they are.  You can view the breakdown of costs of adoption through CCAI here.

How do you come up with that much money?

1. Sacrifice.  This should be the first thing we do when we know God is calling us to adoption.  We are thankful that we have known adoption would be a part of our family for several years now, so we have been able to plan for it financially.  We have dropped our cable, cut our spending, and lowered our expectations over the past few years.  When we bought our house last year, we made sure we were living below our means so we still had margin to save for adoption.  I feel very passionately that if God is calling you to adoption, He may also be calling you to sacrifice your lifestyle to make it happen.  And though there are times I am cranky about spending that money on adoption and not a new kitchen, I am overwhelmingly thankful that through our sacrifice and saving, we have saved over half of our adoption costs.
2. Fundraising.  The bible is very clear that we are to care for orphans.  And while not everyone is called to adoption, everyone is called to care for orphans in some way.  Helping families by supporting them financially is a huge way you can be a part of the solution to the orphan crisis.  There are a number of ways you can support a family financially.  You can give directly, buy a t-shirt, or help organize an event.  God moves in huge ways through fundraising, and helps show these families He is in control.
3. Grants.  There are a number of grants available to families pursuing adoption, though most of them aren’t available until families have completed their home study.  Grants can be direct give or matching grants.  TPCC has a matching grant for families in our church.

If you’d like more information on how to pay for adoption, check out “You Can Adopt Without Debt” by Julie Gumm.  

What is our plan?

We are thankful we can get a good start on our adoption with the money we have saved before we think about other ways to raise money.  Once our home study, immigration and dossier are done we can think about specific plans.  We will definitely be applying for grants and fundraising in some fun ways.  We hope to have some really fun ways you can support us soon!