Home 3 months

It’s hard to believe we’ve been home for 3 months today.  In some ways it feels exactly like the first 3 months with a newborn – survival mode, very little getting accomplished, not much fun.  But it’s very different.  Instead of having a newborn that doesn’t want to sleep, we have a 2 year old who throws a bedtime tantrum because it’s not bath night.  And instead of revolving your day around multiple naps and feedings, our days revolve around therapy and doctors appointments.  And also naps.  Our to do list keeps growing and is truthfully overwhelming.  And everything else in our lives seem to be getting busier as well.  Three months does finally feel like there is a bit more breathing room, a bit more normal and routine.  And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m looking forward to the consistency the school year will give us in 4 more weeks.

Gavin’s development amazes us – he is no longer the sack of potatoes we brought home from China.  He is walking, standing up on his own to walk, climbing up and down stairs, and saying lots of words.  We still have our work cut out for us with his medical issues, and are really still trying to figure out what they are.  We are very happy to report that his head MRI was normal, which means he has no evidence of a traumatic brain injury at birth (which was his diagnosis in China).  Each test brings another set of tests which are exhausting, but we keep on until we have all the answers we need.

Most importantly, we are so grateful for our friends and family who have supported us.  I am not lying when I say we could not have done it without you.  I did not cook dinner for 7 weeks because we had food provided.  I’ve had help with the big kids with our various doctors appointments.  I’ve had encouragement, scripture, affirmation when I needed it most.  I’ve had fun and bucket filling and replenishment.

It’s taken time for me to process everything – our time in China, our first moments home, adjusting to three kids, adjusting to having a special needs kid – it’s all taken me longer than I ever expected.  So here are moments I’m really just now processing, our arrival home.  This is such a perfect picture of the love of support we felt then and now (whether you were there or not).

I have several stacks of thank you notes that I will get to eventually, but know that I am so touched by everyone who has been a part of our story in any way.

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Gavin – one week home

It’s been one week since we’ve been a family of 5!  We’ve had lots of adjustments as we all figure out how to get along.  Gavin is ok with his big siblings, unless he’s mad or they are getting my attention, in which case he may try to hit or bite them.  Ethan loves to tickle and hug him, though he has times where he will act like a baby or obvious wants more attention.  Noelle has been much more excited about him than I expected, but she does not like him in her personal space.  Both big kids think they need to sit on my lap, right next to me or for me to hold them all the time.  Everyone is slowly getting use to the new normal.

Sleeping – Gavin got over jet lag quickly and has been sleeping through the night for the past few days.  He takes a big 3ish hour nap each day.  Most days we have to wake him up from his nap.  Some times he wakes up happy, sometimes screaming.  When we were in China he would point to his crib when he wanted to go to sleep.  Now he lets us rock him for a while instead of just pointing to his crib to be put down.  He will fall asleep on his own.  We are so thankful he’s sleeping well in his crib in his own room!

Eating – this kid is a bottomless pit!  He could sit at the table and eat all day long.  He likes most cooked meals – pasta, mashed potatoes, lasagna, casseroles, hamburger.  He’s not a fan of fresh fruits and vegetables (except bananas) but is eating lots of baby food.  Though he has showed us on multiple occasions he is fully capable of drinking from a sippy cup, he mostly refuses to do it.  We have to syringe feed him water several times a day or he does not make enough wet diapers.  Hopefully we will get this figured out soon.

Development – Gavin is still mostly content sitting in one place and not moving much.  He will frequently want me to pick him up, then immediately point and whine for me to take him somewhere.  I told him if mommy picks him up he does not get to decide where we go!  There are times he will start crawling and make it quite far.  He will also only stand when we make him, and sometimes won’t when we try to make him.  He is quickly getting labeled as “the most stubborn kid the whole world” with his refusal to do things he is capable of!  Gavin loves being outside and does crawl towards the door when we open it.  He is picking up on sign language quickly, and we are working on teaching him more.

This week starts lots of appointments – we have at least one every day but Friday.  We’re excited to get some answers and help his progress, but it’s going to be very busy.  We’re so thankful for everyone who has brought us dinner and offered to help with the big kids.

Ethan wearing his new "ninja" outfit - with suspenders, of course.
Ethan wearing his new “ninja” outfit – with suspenders, of course.
Playing ball with big brother.
Playing ball with big brother.
Noelle thinks she needs to play with all of Gavin's toys.
Noelle thinks she needs to play with all of Gavin’s toys.
A fan of the carseat!
A fan of the carseat!
We had lots of arguments over who would sit where in the Costco cart.
We had lots of arguments over who would sit where in the Costco cart.
Swinging - he loves the swings!
Swinging – he loves the swings!
Noelle modeling her "princess dress" we got for her in China.
Noelle modeling her “princess dress” we got for her in China.
One of the two times he has drank his sippy cup of water.
One of the two times he has drank his sippy cup of water.
Playing t-ball.
Playing t-ball.

Enjoying the last few weeks as a family of four…

After weeks of waiting, we finally got an update on our sweet little man.  We were happy to see the fullness return to his face and learn a few more things about him to prepare for him to come home.  We are mostly ready – crib, clothes, diapers, bottles, formula.  We received our Chinese Visas, and our Article 5 has been picked up from the US consulate in China. We are now waiting on our travel approval.

I have so many thoughts, feelings, emotions swirling around in my head, it’s hard to put them into words.  The day we hold him in our arms will be a moment we’ve dreamed of for over 4 years, though at that time we didn’t know what it would look like.  Now that that reality is becoming clearer, it’s…. surreal.

The unknown is the hardest – what will he be like?  How hard will it be?  What will life look like after we get home?  Will we have a life anymore?

We are ready to go get him, but the past few weeks have been filled with so much busyness.  It’s been a nice distraction from the waiting.  Our fundraiser was a huge success.  Thank you to everyone who came.  We felt so loved and supported.  I also completed my REFIT® instructor certification a few weeks ago.  REFIT® has been such a gift to me over the past year, and I can’t wait for the time when I can share that gift with other women.  (I could go on and on, but I won’t right now.)  We’ve also decided this is the perfect time (sarcasm) to start about 12 different home projects.  Our house is in complete disarray, and we’re working like crazy to get everything finished before we leave.

While it is frustrating that we haven’t received our travel approval yet, I have peace in God’s perfect timing.  Even if it’s later than we like, he will be home soon.  We started this process in July, and in the world of adoptions, our process is still crazy fast.  A year ago, we had no idea we’d be traveling to bring our child home so soon.

We are so thankful for everyone who has supported us.  Know that words will never be able to express our appreciation.  Please, bear with us when we get home.  I hate living in survival mode, but know a calm, quiet life will be best for him at first.  Know that I want to get back to “normal” as soon as possible, but it may take us a while to figure out what that is.

You all mean so much to me – those that joined us this weekend and those that were unable to.  From the bottom of our hearts – thank you.

“God sets the lonely in families” ~Psalm 68:6

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Adoption update

Though some days and weeks feel like they might last forever, our adoption journey is still moving quickly.  The 50 day wait for our LOA (Letter of Seeking Confirmation from Adopter) was tough, and I spent most of January thinking it would never come, and was pretty cranky about it.  But now that is has, we are back to the hurry up and wait of more paperwork.  Our agency sent our I-800 (immigration forms for the United States government for Gavin specifically) last week and we are now waiting for that to be approved.  We will also be applying for our Visas soon.  With things going as they are there is a very real possibility we could travel the end of March.  Chinese New Year is next week, but since we are waiting for US approval it shouldn’t slow anything down.

We are anxiously awaiting an updated – our last update – any day.  I am longing to see a face with more color, more chub, and more life than his last update.  I’m hoping to see a video of his development (we asked for one) since we’ve never seen a video of him.  I’m hoping to hear his weight has increased and he will fit perfectly into the clothes I have bought and others have so generously donated to us.  I hope to hear that he is continuing to improve in his gross motor skills.  I’m hoping to hear he received the care package we sent to him, complete with a photo album of his new family.  I’m hoping to hear his nanny’s have told him he has a family coming to take him home forever, and they are preparing his heart for the difficult transition he will have.

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His nursery awaits – crib, rocker, clothes, diapers, formula, bottles, toys, books.  We’re preparing for the expected, the unexpected and everything in between.  I assume it will be the unexpected unexpected that will be our reality.  The orphanage behavior we didn’t know about, or a cultural shock to our system that we didn’t anticipate.  And so I’m mentally preparing for survival mode for our time in China, and the first few weeks (months?) after coming home, just like we would with a newborn.  We have read almost every trauma & attachment book we can get our hands on, and watched many DVDs.  We are tying up our loose ends with our commitments so we can focus on him.  We are trying to learn some mandarin (ok, not really, but it’s on my to do list) to communicate with him.  When opening the first page of my new book The Crunch-Time Guide to Parenting Language for Chinese Adoption, it hit me like a ton of bricks that these were the words he was going to need to hear our first moments together.

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But perhaps, beyond my wildest dreams, God will bless us with an easy transition, a happy, content baby that understand we are mom and dad, travel mercies, sleep, sleep, and more sleep, siblings at home that embrace their new sibling warmly and lovingly.  I don’t doubt that He can.  But I know that it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t have to be easy.  He doesn’t call us to a life of comfort, but a life of radical obedience to Him.  We still say yes.  Always, yes.

“A Father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing, but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” Psalms 68:5-6

Fundraising is about to get real

We are currently in one of the many waiting phases of our adoption, specifically for our LOA or “Letter Seeking Confirmation from Adopter.”  This will be our official chance to tell the Chinese government YES! to our son.  The time varies for this process, and we are currently on day 42 (yes, I am counting!).  Our dossier has now been translated and reviewed, it will then be “matched” then we will receive our LOA.  Once we receive our LOA, we will travel in 8-12 weeks to get our son!  Until then, we are trying to accomplish as much as possible, other than counting the days.

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We’re currently waiting for step #8

With all of the waiting, now is a perfect time to kick our fundraising into high gear.  We are pretty much doing everything at once, and will be working hard over the next 2 months or so until we travel. I wanted to take some time to share all of the fundraisers we plan to do.  We do not expect everyone to participate in every fundraiser, rather, we want to give lots of options for you to be involved if you want!

  • Dessert and Coffee bar and craft show – February 20th – Enjoy some desserts and coffee for $5 while you shop.  We will have a variety of fun home accessories and furniture to buy.
  • Plunder – Vintage inspired jewelry (available at craft show)
  • Just Love Coffee (Available at craft show)
  • KEEP Collective
  • T-shirt through Fund the Nations
  • Lifesong – direct give matching grant (donations will be tax deductible)

Here is a sneak peak of our t-shirt fundraiser – we will have a few other options for styles of shirts.

"I will make you as alight for the nations, that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth" Isaiah 49:6
“I will make you as alight for the nations, that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth” Isaiah 49:6

TCC, TBRI, and other acronyms you’ve never heard of

Parenting a child that’s been adopted is complicated.  To put the simply.  As you begin to enter the adoption community, unfamiliar words keep repeating: attachment, connection, Trust Based Relational Intervention, cocooning, trauma.  We knew we had our work cut out for us when it came to learning the best way to parent our child.  So when the church offered to send me to a conference on Trauma Competent Caregiving (TCC) to learn to train others, I knew enough to know I didn’t know enough, and said yes.

To say it was eye opening would be an understatement.  It’s hard to boil down 3 full days of information into a few words, but the big things I learned were:  Behavior is the language of a child who has lost his voice.  Children exhibit unwanted behavior (lying, stealing, arguing, defiance, etc) because of the abuse and neglect they have experienced in their short lives.  They learn these behaviors to survive, but also have physical and chemical changes in their brain.  Imagine this scenario: You are driving down the road, and see a police car pull out behind you.  They turn on their lights, and then someone in the car asks you figure out a complicated math problem, to remember where you left something in the house, or to simply have a conversation with you.  Is there anyway you are able to answer those questions in your current state of fear?  These kids live in that constant state of fear chronically.

As amazing as the information was, my big question walking away from the training was this: “Then why in the world does my 5 year old, who has never experienced a day of trauma in his life, behave like a trauma kid?”  I know this sounds like of dramatic, but it is true.  Among my adoptive friends, we ask ourselves a lot “where does trauma stop and personality start?”  It is a complicated question, one that never has an answer.  Thankfully, after more reading and research, I’ve realized it doesn’t really matter.  We can respond to the behavior the same way, no matter whether it’s trauma or personality.  With my son, it’s all personality.

The overall parenting/caregiving philosophy taught by this course is called connection parenting.  In short, you connect before you correct.  While I was familiar with several books such as The Connected Child (highly recommended as a first read for every family caring for an adoptive or foster child), I was thankful to find a few books by Daniel Siegel, which are geared toward non-trauma kids.  No Drama Discipline has helped me bridge the gap to understand why my non-trauma kid has similar behavior.  Spoiled alert: it’s because he’s a kid.

So, what’s the point of all of this?  Two things.  One, if you have a non-trauma kid and constantly feel defeated, frustrated and overwhelmed by your kids behavior, I highly recommend reading the books by Siegel.  They have helped us tremendously.  If you are an adoptive, foster, safe families mom or plan to be one day, please please please immerse yourself in as much connection parenting for trauma kids as possible.  I’d be happy to share lots of resources with you.  I don’t think it was on accident that I ended up at the conference.  I think God wanted me there to share the information with others, which is what I plan to do.  I will start by teaching Trauma Competent Caregiving the second Tuesday of every months at the women’s fellowships at Traders Point (7pm, room 200).  I truly believe this is the best way to care for these kids, and the more people that understand it the better.

I’d love to help education and empower you on your parenting journey.  This stuff is not easy, but I truly believe together

Kitchen mini-makeover reveal!

When we moved into this house, I had grand plans of gutting the kitchen, rearranging the floor plan, and having the kitchen of my dreams.  Lots of things have put that plan on hold for now, so we did a mini-makeover of our own to hold us over.  The layout is still pretty bad and there isn’t a ton of storage space, but it’s better than before!  It looks better and functions better.  One day, I’ll get my dream kitchen.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  Maybe not. Or maybe we’ll just keep adopting babies. We’ll see.

Before…

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Goodbye honey oak, cabinets over the peninsula, and fluorescent light fixture…

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New recessed lights, painted cabinets, and an open view.

Cabinets are painted with Miss Mustard Seed Milk Paint in Marzipan and finished with white wax.

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The walls are painted halcyon green by Sherwin-Williams.

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And I painted the table the same color (by making my own chalk paint).  That poor table has seen better days!

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We replaced a  corner cabinet with these open shelves that Jason built.  They are “stained” with Miss Mustard Seed Milk Paint in Curio and finished with hemp oil.  Though we lost cabinets, this provides better utilization of the space.

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The kitchen fits in with the rest of the house now!
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Update on Gavin!

We received an unexpected update on Gavin yesterday!  We knew we would get one after we receive our LOA (our next step), but this was a surprise, and the first we have had since August.

Gavin is doing well developmentally.  He can now pull up to a stand and say a few words.  He is no longer drinking just formula for his meals (which is common up until age 2) but is eating solid food for each meal.  His nanny says he is shy, joyful and intelligent.  He likes to play with toys, play with other kids, and interact with his caregivers.  He responds with appropriate emotions and knows his name.

We also learned that he had a GI bug for over a month and lost quite a bit of weight.  He is recovering now, but weak.  He definitely looks skinny in his new pictures.  Please pray that he regains strength over the next few months until we bring him home!  Mama can’t wait to fatten him back up.

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Give hope to orphans this season!

As we began the crazy season of Christmas lists, shopping, wrapping, and last minute gift exchanges, it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas.  And it seems like there are countless organizations asking to give money to those in need.  While most of us truly want to give this Christmas season, it’s difficult to decide the best place for our money to go.  This year, I’d like to share a few of my favorite organizations for you to consider sending a Christmas gift.  It’s also a great way to involve your children!

Gifts of Hope – Show Hope is an amazing organization that cares for orphans around the world.  Not only do the provide adoption grants, but have five care centers in China.  Using the research of TCU and Dr. Karyn Purvis, they are providing exceptional care for special needs orphans.  Show Hope is near and dear to our hearts!

Gifts of Purpose – Lifesong for Orphans not only helps churches manage their adoption funds, but also works in many countries to care for orphans in unique ways.  From providing schooling to orphans who have aged out, to establishing sustainable businesses, Lifesong is doing amazing work all over the world.  You can support a broad range of orphan care initiatives including adoption, foster care, family preservation, and sustainable business.

Back2Back – Back2Back doesn’t have a formal gift program, but they do have child sponsorships available.  After just coming home from a week at their Monterrey, Mexico site, my words can’t express how amazing this organization is.  From the amazing staff members, to the hard work of implementing best practices for caring for children who have experienced trauma, Back2Back is making great strides to revolutionize the way their kids are cared for.  We spent our week with the children at Imperio de Amor  and with the Hope Program, and I’d love to tell you all about any of the kids available for sponsorship.

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing, but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. “
-Psalms 68:5-6

Preparing for Gavin

Lots of people have been asking if it’s hard not being able to go get Gavin.  I use to say no, as I have built an emotional wall to protect myself.  I can’t go get him today, so why should I be sad about it?  That won’t change anything. But that wall is slowly crumbling as time goes on.  It will hit me that I’ll never have any baby pictures of him.  Or that we’re going to miss his birthday next week.  Or that in a few weeks I’ll be in Mexico taking care of orphans, while someone else is taking care of my child in an orphanage.  Last week, we found out that the Chicago consulate will no longer authenticate documents notarized a certain way, and 4 of our 13 documents were notarized this way.  This was after I had already mailed our dossier to our courier, so we had to intercept the package, redo a few things, then send it to the Chinese Embassy in Washington DC instead.  This set us back both money and time.  And it makes me sad.

But we recently learned that Gavin is at an amazing facility, where he’s getting more care, attention, and help than he would be at the orphanage.  This is an unbelievable gift, and once I’m able to share more about where he is and the organization that is taking care of him, you will understand why.  Kennedy10818223_10152666086722499_7100785355343610197_oWe’ve moved Noelle into her “big girl” room and are getting the nursery ready for him.  I want to do all the normal “nesting” things, but I have no idea what size of clothes to buy, or what else we’re going to need for him, so it will sit mostly empty for now.

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Once our documents are back from the Embassy (assuming no problems), they will be off to our agency for critical review, then they will send them to China. Then we will official be DTC (Dossier to China) and then soon after LID (logged  in).  Next it will be in China’s hands, and an estimated 4-6 months before travel.

So yes, the waiting it hard.  But we trust in God’s perfect timing.  And we know we will so many more birthdays, holidays, and events with him than without.  We are so thankful for our friends and family that are praying, encouraging, and asking.  It means more than words can ever express.

Kennedy